Joy was the one person I felt I could have shared with, but I stopped after she told me she likes Kevin. I was shocked. “Are you for real, you like Kevin?” 

Yh, I do and you will be the one to help me. I’ve realized you two are close and I know you don’t like him so link up a sister. Pleeeasse.

I began to stutter, I didn’t know what to say to her. At this point, I knew I couldn’t open up to her.

She wanted two things from this party: to see me have fun and to help match-make Kevin and her. She kept winking and kicking my feet so I could say something. Something that will drive Kevin’s attention to her. So I promised I was going to help her by speaking to Kevin later. But later, meant never.

My mind was elsewhere, back to the day we kissed. I could feel something was approaching, a wave stronger than the first, ready to hit harder than before. I had the same feeling that something would happen just like that Friday morning.

It was a cycle, I could feel it and I didn’t want to fall into it. Once is ok, this shouldn’t happen again. But you see, tears are never repentance. You can cry your eyes out, and feel remorseful, guilty, and shameful but if you have not genuinely laid down a system of change, the cycle will continue.

Let me describe this cycle, which I refer to as the guilt cycle.

The cycle gets dangerous when you hit the point of indifference. When what you saw as a big deal becomes nothing to you. I mean, when your conscience is no more pricked by the same act that made you feel wretched the first time.

The only reason, I hated seeing Kevin in that house, was because I was happy to see him. This same person that made me feel terrible for months, was still the person that I felt happy seeing. But this time, I knew better and I wasn’t going to repeat history.

Finally, the party was over. “Oh, what a relief!” I quickly took my things to leave. When Joy said…

I think you shouldn’t leave alone, at least, let Kevin escort you while I stay with the others. “Oh Joy, what are you doing?”  She gave me a look that meant, “This is the time, please tell him.”

No! I quickly declined. I told her I was fine going home alone. But Joy was persuasive, she knew I wasn’t going to tell Kevin after today. This was her chance at love, but unfortunately, she chose the wrong match-maker.

“Ok fine, Joy you win”.

I kept my distance as we both descended the staircase. We did not say a word to each other.

Soon after we left the house Kevin said, “I am sorry. I’m truly sorry. Please forgive me, It wasn’t intentional. I have been trying to reach you but to no avail. This part was my opportunity to apologize.”

Immediately, my fast pace began to decrease. It felt as if someone was just delaying my steps, making sure that I hear everything Kevin had to say. So I stopped. I listened to him. When he finished, I told him it didn’t matter and that I was over it.

He insisted to take me to the bus station and while on the way, we had a lot to talk and laugh about. I felt relieved again, and the good part was I had forgiven him. My heart wasn’t as heavy as before. After all, he said he was sorry and he didn’t plan this as well. I understood him because it was also the same for me. The kiss wasn’t planned.

I wasn’t sure at first if I should go, but I also knew that it will be good to leave the city on the right note. This time,  we were taking a stroll so it felt safe. Moreover, it was daytime and I had to be home early to pack. So, it wouldn’t hurt to see the city for the last time with Kevin.

Thursday came, I got up early, and did all I had to do in the morning just like a girl who needs her mom’s approval to go out.

We met at McBee’s, got some ice cream, and started to see the city together. There were really nice places I had never been to and as you can imagine, I had lots of pictures to take.

Hmmm… But this time, Kevin didn’t want it, I did. One more kiss, a last goodbye kiss wouldn’t hurt.

There I was, back to the cycle with the desire for more.