I tried, yes I tried to let him know.

Before you start criticizing me, understand that I was not pleased with my decision to keep it to myself. But I believed that was the best course of action. One thing has always been a problem in our relationship: Joe doesn’t know how to handle the truth. You’re in trouble if you lie to him, and even if you tell him the truth about anything that went wrong, you’ll still be in much more trouble.

So then what’s the point. At least that’s what I thought. I had already done something wrong, why add a lie to it. I’d rather keep it to myself like nothing happened. I’m sure in your relationships too, you try to keep things too, just to protect the other person. At least, that’s what I was told. You don’t tell your partner everything.

If you are fortunate enough to find someone who understands and allows you to speak freely without fear of being misunderstood, hallelujah. Congratulations, you may have just hit the jackpot. Maturity is everything in communication. If you are with somebody who easily draws conclusions even before you end, you should know that telling them everything might be risky.

But, in retrospect, I realize that telling the truth isn’t really a matter of right or wrong; it’s all about how it makes you feel. We are all different, and I know that there are some things you can keep without feeling remorse or guilt for doing something wrong, whereas for others, keeping a secret is a huge burden to bear. I’ve learned to relieve myself of anything that causes me distress.

The truth may hurt, but if telling the truth is the key to your freedom, relief from guilt, or your antidote to letting go and moving on, then you must let the bird out of the nest. Not necessarily for those you’ve offended, but for your own mental health and peace of mind. As I said before, it all comes down to ensuring constant inner peace.

This little devil was eating me up and becoming a tough secret to keep day after day. If I leave Joe to believe that he will be the first guy to kiss me, that is still a lie. Or, do I kiss him when we meet? That way, what we decided to wait for until marriage would have been done already.

Hmm, so, how am I any different from women who intentionally sleep with their partners, after getting pregnant for another man? Just so their real partners don’t think it’s not theirs.

How did I get here, how did I become so … huh, what has become of me?

Take it from me: never throw judgment on anyone, especially if you have never been in a similar situation. We may never commit the same wrongs, but our intentions and strategies remain constant. When I heard stories about women who lure their partners to bed in order to cover up their cheating, I thought it was very far away from me. But here I was, just as manipulative and strategic as they are.

Joe noticed I had been off lately and asked constantly if everything was ok. I wasn’t ready to tell him yet, so I just told him nothing was wrong. Was I going to hide this forever from a man I want to spend the rest of my life with? My only fear was that one day, Kevin pops up from nowhere and cause a scene. Well, time will tell.

But, wait….huh, what if what I did isn’t such a big deal, or what do you think? What if I am the one making a big issue of out nothing? After all, I’m not the first to have done this, neither will I be the last.