What do I tell Joe…?

I was scared to death. “What have I done?”

Kevin quickly apologized but I was too frustrated to hear anything. Not just because of the kiss, but because I felt I had betrayed Joe.

God warned me, I’m so dumb, I’m stubborn, why didn’t I listen? How do I explain that my first kiss was with a guy I only met for a month whiles I was dating.

I’ve always wished for the perfect story. I plan everything, and even my spontaneity has an element of planning. I wanted to marry the first guy I date so I was always careful. I wanted to make the right choice in everything I do. I wanted to be that girl that everyone in the church, school, and family looked up to.

I was always inspired by women who said their husbands were their first love, that they waited, and that God showed them clearly who they would marry… You know how these things go, so I won’t say much. So you see, I just didn’t want to be any different.

However, there are always people who make us go contrary to our ‘perfect’ plans. What we refer to as compromises. They are not always bad, it only depends on the weight of the compromise. For me, if there is no burden on my conscience, I’d go for it. But, in deciding what to compromise on, can we solely rely on our conscience?

In my relationship with Joe, I had made some compromises. He also made some too. At first, everything involving physical touch was wrong in my opinion. Anything intimate, whether a hug or holding hands, was forbidden.

But eventually, I agreed to only holds and hugs.

You probably wouldn’t have wanted to date me because I was very rigid about certain things. I thought I knew so much about relationships until I got into one and realized there were so many things videos on YouTube, messages, or books won’t tell you explicitly. You will only know them as you journey with God, the originator of relationships as well as your personal experiences with your partner.

That shift to compromises wasn’t easy for me, but won’t you do anything for the one you love? Especially if it isn’t harmful, sinful, or immoral.

I cried when I got home. I sobbed myself to sleep. Even in my sleep, I could tell I was still trying to figure out how to explain this to Joe. By now, I’m sure you’ve guessed that Joe and I didn’t live together nor in the same city.

I had told him I was going for a solo walk. How am I to explain to him that this walk turned into a hug and a kiss? With who?

Joe had never met Kevin, but I had casually mentioned him in one of our conversations. He clearly couldn’t have guessed my feelings because I didn’t say much. It meant that reintroducing Kevin into our conversation would require a lengthy explanation. Where do I even begin? How do I tell him that I have been hanging out with this guy I barely even talk about?.

“No, I can’t tell Joe. No! No! No! . This will break him. Of course, what I did was wrong…Oh no, what if he finds out?. What if Joe set me up, what if they actually know each other? Oh God, I have failed”

Ok, calm down and think… From today, Kevin is dead to me. I’m just gonna cut him off. Yes, that’s exactly what I will do. I’m blocking him right away!

“Ok, final decision- Joe doesn’t need to know this. I think it is best for our relationship”. This chapter is never to be spoken of. Let me just assume this never happened. After all, what you don’t know won’t hurt you.