I am ruined!!!

Joe’s questions became unbearable and mounted a lot of pressure on me. My plan was failing and nothing could save me. He wanted to know if it was my story because it was too detailed to be the life of another person. But I kept denying it.

However, he was too clever. He knew when to strike. He told me that he loved me enough to overlook my flaws and he would understand without judging if I was the one. Joe assured me that my honesty would help him trust me more and I believed him so I told him everything. It took me two hours because it was hard getting some words out of my mouth.

His silence after saying everything spoke louder than I could ever imagine. He kept pacing around in his room probably looking for the exact words to describe how nasty I have been. In the end, he hanged up the call without uttering a word. I knew it was over for me. I tried reaching him, but he wouldn’t pick up. I sent him numerous apologies, but I knew it wasn’t enough to wipe off what I had done.

At long last, he called back after some hours with a bucket full of insults and raging disappointment which I undoubtedly understood. I deserved to be insulted. I deserved to be shamed. I deserved everything he said to me. And although I hated that he said those things to me, I had to take it if that was what it would take for him to feel better and forgive me.

“You’re a liar and a cheat. I’ve been dating you for a long time and you still won’t let me kiss you. It took us months before I got a simple hug from you, and now you’re going behind me to give another guy everything you’ve denied me in this relationship? You disgust me. You are truly pathetic. Why am I wasting my time and energy? Well done, Madam, but I’m afraid I can’t be with you any longer. It’s over!!!”

That short phrase echoed louder than everything he had said.” It is over“. Joe didn’t want to have anything to do with me any longer. My apologies and tears couldn’t touch him. Nothing I said was enough to convince him otherwise, at least not after I had sheepishly played the third party to my own mess. My two-year perfect, beautiful, and envying relationship had been flushed down the drain by me.

I had all the time in the world to avoid this, but it was too late. My mistake was irreversible. My Joe didn’t want to have anything to do with me again. It was even shameful for me to ask his friends and family to beg on my behalf. I expected worse but definitely not a break-up.

That call was the last time I heard from Joe. He blocked me and told people who mattered to him what I had done so no one was willing to defend me. I was all alone. I felt worse than I did after my first kiss with Kevin.

Before I knew it, I was back to the beginning of the cycle. I closed up again in isolation, I got off social media and wouldn’t want to talk to anyone. I became even more isolated when I realized that the news of our break-up had traveled far and wide.

 Everyone in our circle knew that we were no more, but more so of the reason why there was a break-up in the first place. The shame was unbearable, and the mocking text messages from people I called friends were more than I could bear.

I was getting crazy day by day with regrets and guilts more than before.