I have a type-A personality. If you are like me, then you are definitely a perfectionist. We just know how to play and act right. No one really knows what we go through or the mistakes we make because we know how to smile wide even in the toughest situations.

Our con is that we blame ourselves for everything. We just don’t know how to let go of the wrongs we do. For us, mistakes don’t just happen. It is a pre-meditated event which could have been avoided.

Why did I do this? What is wrong with me? This is so not me, Oh God, I’m so bad… and it goes on and on and on. If you say these things a lot, then we can be best friends.

There are some things I just ignore after they happen and others I constantly beat myself up over them. Forgiving myself is almost impossible even when I know God has forgiven me.

That morning when  Kevin kept calling, I sincerely didn’t want to pick up. Prior to this day, we had been hanging out from time to time. When I realized I was getting into him, I started to avoid him.

He didn’t know where I lived, so there was no way he could have visited if I never picked up.

But was avoiding his calls enough? Clearly not. What happened to blocking his number or even deleting it or simply marking it as a SPAM! Sometimes I think I enjoyed seeing those calls. I kinda liked the attention.

To be honest, when I  finally picked up his call, I wanted to tell him not to call again. But when I heard ‘hello’, that subtle voice definitely crippled me. Absolutely irresistible. Ever met a guy who doesn’t really do much to get your attention but it is that very thing that gets you?

I expected some sort of complains after ignoring his calls for weeks but all he said was ‘I miss you and I would like to see you’. The little things were all it took to get my attention and Kevin was very good at that.

I knew whatever this hangout was about wasn’t going to be any good but I still went. I could literally hear God warn me to stay home. But you know how stubborn we can be. I was headstrong and I’m sure you can relate.  I thought I was too strong to be vulnerable. After all, Joe and I had been together for a year and nothing had happened. So what at all could Kevin do differently.

It was a great time, full of healthy conversation. He seemed very interested in my future and believed in me so much.  I wanted to express my gratitude with a hug. Just a hug, believe me.

Wait, what just happen? We kissed. What did I just do? Oh my God. What do I tell Joe…